I don’t know about ya’ll, but this past week has felt super hectic. Between being snowed inside by one of our lovely NC “snow”/*butreallyonlyice* storms for 3 days, enjoying my birthday, then heading back to work, I feel like I’ve just been goinggoingoingoingoing….hence, my delayed post today.
Even still, this week was a week of growth for me & it was a good week. It was the week I turned 27. Ahhh, 27. The year you kinda sorta start feeling like an adult but everyone older than you still thinks you’re just a kid. Apparently, as I’ve been told…28 is when you’re REALLY an adult. 😉
But for me…27 has been lot of things. A month ago, 27 was a depressing thought. It was emotional. But now I am so thankful for it. A month ago, 27 was depressing because in my mind it was the year I thought that I would be able to start thinking about…or even having…children, and yet, 27 has turned out to be the opposite. There was no glimmer of hope. A month ago, all I could think & feel was jealousy…I had to sit there on social media and see all you beautiful, precious, excited, round-bellied mommas poppin’ out adorable little ones left & right. I was so happy for you but I was so envious, bitter, jealous, frustrated, & angry for myself at the same time. A month ago, I was having to put on a brave face whenever people asked me “Hey, so when are you & David going to start having children?” I had to put on a brave face, a polite smile, tilt my head a little & give some little excuse like, “oh, we can’t afford it right now,” or, “the business is our baby right now,” & then I had to hold my tongue & stifle my anger when people would wave off those excuses with responses like “oh, you can NEVER afford children!”. A month ago, I was angry, frustrated, fed up, & hurting.
But God gave me something different right before my birthday. I don’t really remember what day it was, I just remember waking up one morning thinking about having children & something hit me. A voice in my heart said…”Emily, even IF you had the money & time right now, you are not READY to be a mother.” I thought of some of the precious women I know who are such INCREDIBLE, God-filled, loving, wise women & mothers but have or are going through some of the most difficult & unimaginable situations- loss of children, child cancer, & more. I realized, I am no where near having the level of faith & reliance in the Lord it would take to make it through those things. I don’t have the fruit of the Spirit I would need to be able to go through those things with the fruit of my womb without losing hope & faith. If I were having children right now, whether having to go through those types of situations or just everyday life, God showed me that I am not spiritually, emotionally, or mentally ready to be a mom.
I know what you’re going to say. Hold that thought. Every parent reading this right now is thinking *fingerpointedout* “Oh honey, you’ll NEVER be fully ready to be a parent, TRUST me.” I KNOW that, people. I know. But I also know that children are supposed to be a blessing from the Lord, but right now, my selfish heart would feel burdened by them & that’s not okay. I know that when I have children & they’re growing older too fast, I don’t want to look back on wasted time because I was trying to “catch up” to growing in the Lord. I don’t want to look back & have regrets of trying to raise my children my way instead of God’s way. I want to, from the beginning, put my children in the Lord’s hands. I want to be at a point where I am praying for my child before they’ve even come into the world. I want to raise my children up in the Lord. I want to be at a level of wisdom, maturity, & selfless love for my child that I KNOW I am not at right now. I know the Lord is whispering in my ear to wait on Him, be patient, be in prayer, & be grateful for what I DO have. I know the Lord is whispering in my ear to use the time He has given me now to prepare & grow in Him for what He will give me in the future.
So…for my 27th birthday, God gave me time & contentment. He traded frustration, hurt, envy, & pain for joy, contentment, peace, patience, & opportunity and I could not be more thankful. The Lord traded my broken heart & hurting dreams for hope & faith in the plans He has for me. I intend to use them this year & beyond for His glory & His will. If people ask when we’ll start having children my thoughts will not be angry & my words will be “In the Lord’s time.” If it’s another 5 years, it will be in the Lord’s time. If it’s in the next 6 months, it will be in the Lord’s time. But I will not live my life any longer hurting & hanging on broken, selfish expectations. I will live this year & beyond seeking God’s plan, growing in Him, letting Him mold & shape me, & if it’s His will, preparing me to be a mother. Whether they’re my own biological children, or children adopted & loved, brought into our home as He adopted & loved us, I want to be prepared in Him & I want it to be in His time, not mine.
Be blessed friends.